


softly, soothing

by artenon



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 19:39:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3908140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artenon/pseuds/artenon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s always a sharp dive into this state. He was fine this morning. He got out of bed without any trouble, brushed his teeth, ate breakfast, and went to school. He did all that without thinking twice about it, and now it’s probably closer to morning than it is night and Kei is contemplating the merits of going to sleep and never waking up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	softly, soothing

**Author's Note:**

> something self-indulgent. inspired in part by a quote i saw on tumblr once - "And if you call me at 4 am, too sad to even say hello, I will listen to your silence until you fall asleep."
> 
> [tumblr](http://artenon.tumblr.com/post/118557172630)

Kei feels sad, sort of. Mostly he feels empty. A wave continually rises in his chest until it’s overwhelming, and then subsides again, and he feels like the inside of his stomach is being carved out, but it’s a far away sensation. It doesn’t really hurt, but it’s crushing and heavy and loud in its silence.

It’s always a sharp dive into this state. He was fine this morning. He got out of bed without any trouble, brushed his teeth, ate breakfast, and went to school. He did all that without thinking twice about it, and now it’s probably closer to morning than it is night and Kei is contemplating the merits of going to sleep and never waking up.

Except he can’t fall asleep, which is why he’s thinking about this at all, though he would very much prefer unconsciousness right now.

He was making fun of Hinata, he recalls, when he felt something in his stomach drop and he wondered why he was laughing. After that, he just scowled and walked away, and then the emptiness just ate away at him for the rest of the day, until there was nothing left.

It’s a miracle he was able to drag himself through the rest of the day, really, because he’s been lying in bed pretty much since he got home. He skipped dinner. He hasn’t showered, or looked at homework. All he’s managed is taking off his glasses, and even then they’re just sitting beside him on the bed. He’s just been staring at his ceiling, mind more or less blank, and when he thinks, it’s to wonder what point there is in moving again.

Well. He eyes his cell phone, just out of reach on his nightstand. He’s contemplated getting it more than once, but he can’t will himself to sit up far enough to reach it. How can he, when he can’t even find the energy to raise his arm to press the heel of his palm against his forehead in some attempt to alleviate the dull ache there? When he can’t even roll over to examine the wall instead of the ordinarily white ceiling, which he watched turn from orange to blue as the sun set and the moon rose?

 _You can get your phone_ , he tells himself, blinking at the dark ceiling that is by now burned into his mind. _It will literally take you one second, and then you can lie down again._

It takes him another several minutes of coaxing (and insulting, because how pathetic is he right now?) himself before he manages to half-sit and lean just enough to snatch up his phone before collapsing onto his back again.

That shouldn’t have felt as tiring as it did.

He checks the time. It’s past four in the morning, and Kei sighs. It’s way too late now.

Well, no, it’s not too late, technically, since _he’s_ a light sleeper, and _he’ll_ say it’s okay, but Kei will still feel bad, somewhere, in the part of him that still feels some semblance of emotion.

He went as far as getting his phone, though, so he might as well see it all the way through. Otherwise he just went through that effort for nothing.

Still, he almost talks himself out of it two or ten times since his phone is running low on battery and it’s _four in the morning_. But in the end, after what feels like minutes, Kei manages to unlock his phone and go to his recents. He hits the name at the top, presses the speaker button, drops the phone back onto his bed, and waits.

Four rings later, Kuroo picks up.

“Kei?” he asks, voice thick with sleep. It’s as warm as his hugs, or his hands, and Kei becomes aware of just how cold emptiness is. “Is everything alright?”

Kei swallows, but doesn’t reply.

“Kei?”

“Mm,” Kei says. He can’t seem to form words right now, but he manages to force out a, “Sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Kuroo says. “It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. I’m here, okay?”

“Okay,” Kei says softly.

“I love you,” Kuroo says.

 _Me, too_ , Kei thinks, but the words are stuck. He hopes Kuroo will forgive him for not being able to say it back right now.

He’s just so tired.

Kuroo yawns into the phone. “Sorry, sorry. D’you want to talk?”

Kei shakes his head a little, though he knows, of course, that Kuroo can’t see it. But his silence is answer enough.

“That’s okay,” Kuroo says, and, again, “I’m here.”

He’s quiet after that, but if Kei listens closely, he can hear Kuroo’s soft breathing on the other end.

Kei closes his eyes and lets out a slow breath.

He still feels kind of…detached from himself and from everything, but Kuroo is here and Kei clings to that. There’s something soothing in knowing Kuroo is here, even if he’s not physically present. The call is silent, but just knowing is enough comfort. The lonely ache he didn’t know was there (but of course he knew it was there, it’s why he called Kuroo at all, he just couldn’t name it then) fades. This is okay. He’s okay.

He must fall asleep at some point, the seconds still ticking away on his call with Kuroo, because when he opens his eyes, it’s bright. He’s groggy and a bit disoriented to find himself lying on top of the covers, still dressed in his school uniform. His head is pillowed on his arm and his body is curled and angled so that when the room comes into focus, the first thing his eyes land on is his phone.

“Ah,” Kei says. His voice feels rusty.

He doesn’t particularly feel the need to get up today. Or ever. He closes his eyes again.

He hasn’t quite fallen asleep again when his phone chimes.

Kei opens his eyes and stares at the phone for a long minute before he stretches him arm out to drag it over. He turns the phone on and squints at the screen.

 _Good morning_ , the text from Kuroo reads. _I love you_.

Kei lets the phone fall from his loose grip. It’s probably going to die before Kei can type out a response anyway.

He turns his head, maybe to escape the demanding daylight, maybe to hide his smile in the crook of his arm. There’s something tugging on his heart, nice, not the dragging weight that pulls it to his stomach.

He reads Kuroo’s text over and over in his mind. _Good morning, I love you. Good morning, I love you. Good morning, I love you._ _I love you I love you I love you._

 _I love you, too_ , he thinks.

He’ll have to tell him later, and maybe just that’s enough reason to get up today.

He sits up.


End file.
